Grocery Shopping

As I recover from my foot surgery, I find that I am deeply frustrated by the lack of control in my life; more so, my lack of independence.

Without being able to bear weight on my left foot, I am dependent on a knee scooter to get me from place to place.  A much better option to crutches, this scooter allows me to carry items from place to place and maintain balance.  However, the weight of this appliance is such that I cannot get it into and out of my car without a helper; thus, my lack of independence.

Each errand has become a favor asked.  Someone, usually my youngest daughter, must accompany me everywhere to help me in and out of the car.

I used to love a few errands on my own on the weekend.  I could shop at my own pace, without having to explain my logic or plan.  Aahhh!  That was complete control.

In an effort to provide for my family, I typically do the grocery shopping one to two times per week.  This, on one foot, seemed a daunting task.  So, I had asked someone to help me by grocery shopping for me.

We keep a magnetized shopping list in the pantry so that whenever the last of some item is consumed, it can be put on the list for the next trip to the store.  In my absence the list lacked much!

I asked my daughters to make out a list and then my independent helper could shop for me.  After all, this grocery shopping was not solely for my good, but for that of my entire family.  I had cash in my wallet and was ready to hand over the list.

My request came a day in advance.  But, reminders were necessary.  It seemed that my request for this help was far down on the list of this less than helping helper.

Obviously, there were other more important things to be done on their list.  Tasks, favors and fun with those outside of the family, that clearly were more desirable than grocery shopping.  But, somehow, I was assured that it would be done.

The day came and the rush out the door made it apparent that my “friend” had not put me at the top of their “to do” list.  I would have to be “worked in” to their plan for the day.  They left without the list, without the money.

I felt neglected and unloved.  How could I, such an important person in their life, who had given up much time and effort for them, fall so low on their priority list?  My heart ached.

My anger intact, I immediately wrote them off.  I texted my helper that their services were no longer required.  (Needless to say, it’s been two days since this event and I still haven’t made it to the store!)  My jealous heart had gotten the best of me.

Now, not only were my cupboards bare, but my heart and soul as well.  I was empty.

Then a call from a friend offering to bring dinner revived my spirit.  When she arrived, in addition to the meal, she brought with her a book.  She told me how she had recently purchased this book to read herself.  She had not even cracked the cover when she felt God telling her to give the book to me.  (A Confident Heart, by Renee Swope)

That night, after a nice meal, generously provided by God through my friend, I began to read the book.  Tears poured from my eyes and soul as I read of the love God has for me and how much He desires to accept me as I am; injured foot, lack of control, and all! 

How many times in my life has God nudged my heart to help a friend or speak a kind word?  Have I always been faithful to do so?  No.

He has asked me to do the “grocery shopping”.  It’s not that God needs help, like I do.  Surely, He is capable of all things.  But this is how He provides for His family.  By using His children to work together, helping each other. 

In my efforts to maintain control and independence, I have often moved His grocery shopping errand to the bottom of my “to do” list and worked Him into my daily plans.

How that must hurt His heart.  Me, His creation, walking through my life, independent and carefree, not even giving a notice of His provision and care for me.  Thinking that I could make my plans and ask Him to bless them. 

I set the book down and confessed out loud, tears streaming down my face.  “I love you, Lord.  I am sorry that I have ignored Your plans for me.  They benefit many in the family of God.  Forgive me for being so selfish and not putting you at the top of my list.”

Control and independence are over-rated.  Only when we release them to God, can we find a peace that surpasses all understanding.  Only the will our healing begin.

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.”  Hebrews 10:35-36