'Disa Day

Ever find yourself singing along to a song in your car and then realize that while you know all the words, you’ve never REALLY listened to it’s message until today?

Maybe God has allowed our brains this ability to capture and memorize words by rote so that we can recall them at the exact moment we need them most to encourage, uplift or comfort some hurt inside.

Or maybe, these words set to melody were burned on our brain to sprout wings and be carried to someone else in need as we share the song with them at their “just right” time.

That’s what happened to me on the way to ‘Disa Day!

 I was nearing the airport, running through my mental list to make certain I had taken care of all my urgent “to-dos” before leaving town, when I found myself singing along to "Overcomer" by Mandisa.
(click for video: http://www.godtube.com/artist/mandisa/)

As the words rolled over in my mind, my voice gave way so my ears could hear my own voice, speaking to my own heart…

(click for lyrics: http://www.klove.com/music/artists/mandisa/songs/overcomer-lyrics.aspx)

And the vision of my oldest daughter hovered in my mind.  Always bright, strong, brave, and independent; who now found her new chapter in life lonely, challenging, stressful and void.

As the airport signs ushered me to the terminal parking, my voice grew stronger singing louder and bolder, with purpose for my girl, “You’re an overcomer.  Stay in the fight ‘til the final round."

With tears streaming down my face, I vowed that as soon as I had a hands free moment in that airport and before I boarded that plane, I would share this song with my daughter.  God had Mandisa record this message for her!

You know “the drill”:
parking garage, elevator, check bags, security, try to avoid the “pat down”, put your shoes back on, find a restroom… Whew!

Ok.  Find a seat at the gate and get to telling my girl about this song.

I texted her and asked her to download Overcomer (as well as the song "Hurricane" by Natalie Grant).  I told her that it was exactly what she needed.  I had done this with other songs and artists, but honestly, had never heard a reply from her about them. 

God told my heart, as He always has with my daughters, “Be consistent, be faithful.”  Even if your children don’t ask you for wisdom, affection or words of encouragement; even if they don’t say thank you or tell you that it meant the world to them; do it anyway.  Consistency pays off!

There was no reply.

I boarded the plane and headed to a conference in North Carolina with Proverbs 31 called, “She Speaks”.  I was seeking God’s wisdom and guidance from women that I respected in ministry as I pursued my future in writing.

As my flight ends, reverse “the drill” (only easier):

land the plane (not me, of course), turn your phone back on, de-plane, find another restroom, wait and wait for luggage, get a ride to the hotel.

Ahhh.  I arrive at my hotel. Just sit down to take off my shoes, my phone buzzes a text. 

“Mom those songs were awesome!  Thank you!," with my daughter's name, bolded at the top of the screen.

Tears!  Again.  But, this time they come in a flood.  I wept with joy and cried praises to God for speaking encouragement into my daughter’s heart.  There is no way I can encourage her like the Father in heaven can.  Only He can truly touch a heart so deeply.

Thank You, Lord for loving us so personally and caring for each and every heart.  Thank You for speaking to us through words and song, through nature and silence, and even through written words on a blog.  You are Good!

But, it still hasn’t come. ‘Disa Day, that is.

So, it’s Wednesday when I arrived in North Carolina.  I attend workshops on Thursday through Saturday and, honestly, while they are beyond amazing, my brain is full and my body is tired.  How can sitting so long during the day fatigue a person who is used to moving so much?

Saturday night was the last of the events and…..  sssshhhh….don’t tell, but I honestly was thinking about hiding in my hotel room and skipping it.  There were around 600 women attending.  Trust me, no one would miss me. 

But then, after a short afternoon rest, I got my mind and heart right.  I thought it over and listened to God.  He told me that I had come this far and would soon be going home, far from all this wisdom and wealth of women's fellowship.  Why not go?  You can rest when you get…  

Oh wait, scratch that!  You’re moving the day after you get home.  Well, forget the rest when you get home part.  Go back to that wisdom and wealth of women fellowship.

So, I head over to the dinner and last night of events with no expectations.  I picked an empty table in a very full room of women who seem to have made friends.  A young lady approaches my table and says she’s supposed to sit at this table because her “speaking group” already filled another table without her.  She made light of the fact that she felt left out and we decided we were meant to be friends. 

Our table quickly filled and the evening began.  Dinner, small talk, sharing what we had learned this weekend…

And then, this buzz begins around my table.  There had been a rumor running all day, of which I had heard from three different people, that Mandisa was at the conference.

A pair of ladies seated at my dinner table tell me not only can they verify the rumor, but one of them discreetly points her finger toward the front of the large ballroom and shows me that Mandisa is, in fact, sitting at the head table with the keynote speakers.

Mandisa IS, in fact, “In the House!”

Our dinner plates had just been cleared and as they began to dim the lights, my newfound friend and dinner companion, Erin, challenges me, "This is your chance to be vulnerable."

You see, when the rumor first emerged about Mandisa, as I had told her about the text and the story with my daughter, she saw the tears form in my eyes.  She knew how much it meant to me.

“You need to go talk to Mandisa and tell her that story,” Erin dared, as she stared straight into my eyes. 

I sat still.  “Seriously?”  I shook my head, “I’ve never approached a celebrity.  I don’t want to bother her or have her think I’m a stalker.”

“No,” Erin continued, “You need to let her know how much that song meant to you and to your daughter.  That’s exactly why she sings songs like that.  She would want to know that.”

“I can’t,” was all I could manage.

“You came here to learn something.  You said you want to be more vulnerable as a writer.  This is it.  This is what you need to do.  And, what a great thing to blog about!” Erin continued, “Do it!”

I sat and rocked, wondering if this was right.  I mean, I knew somewhere inside that she had a point.  But this was so very much unlike me.

And that is when I started to realize she had a point.  That IS why I came here.  I came to “She Speaks” conference to learn.  I wanted to find something new and branch out.

I already knew how to be me.  This was how to be a “new” version of me.

Erin must have felt she needed to close the deal so she added, “I’ll be your wingman.  I’ll be your back-up and come with you and stand right behind you.”

And she did.

It was a long, seemingly dark walk as I wound my way through all those tables of women waiting for the worship leader to take the stage.  The lights were dimmed, as I said, and this had all just transpired in moments.

My heart was racing as I neared her table. 

Oh my gosh!  What if it wasn’t really her and just some gorgeous, black woman sitting here!  I’m gonna take a beating for this!

As I get nearer, I see that she is speaking to another lady at her table, I hang back to give her some privacy.  When their conversation ends, she turns in my direction.   I pause…

I stutter, “You ARE Mandisa,” and wait for her to nod.

Now, I’m feeling stupid!  Ok, here we go.

I kneel down so that I give her some respect and am not hovering over her as she sits, and I begin to tell my story.  Tears begin to heat up my cheeks as I cannot contain myself when I talk about my daughters.  The love I have for them and the desire for them to grow and become Godly young women serving Him with their lives cannot be hidden.

Mandisa’s smile is radiant!  She is so gracious and kind.  She asks me some questions about my daughter and gives me encouragement from her own college experience, and moving away from home for the first time.  She expresses that she is grateful for the words I speak and that it means so much that her song has taken on life in someone’s heart.

And Erin, my wingman, my back-up… She is there behind me, as promised, with her phone at the ready to take a picture, but she cannot get the right angle.  So who should snap the picture?

Ready for this?  If you’re a Proverbs 31 reader, you will know her: Renee Swope.

Renee Swope takes my picture with Mandisa!  

….Now how about that for the end to a ‘Disa Day.

(and I was going to hide in my room for the evening….  Thanks, God!)

(Erin:keep scrolling)

As for my new friend....
Erin, my dear, new friend, I hugged you after dinner and told you that it felt like we had been old friends and known each other for years.  I meant that from my heart!

You were the reason I stepped forward and "dared to be vulnerable."

God filled your speakers' table and brought you to mine for a purpose.  Thank you for being my wingman.  Thank you for walking behind me.

After all, no one would have read, "We had Chicken for Dinner."

Babies Cry a Lot

She didn't speak to me for at least a day. It was my punishment.  After all, it was entirely my fault; I had taken her playmate away.

Fifteen years has passed since that day and I find myself facing the silence once more.  The house seems so empty without her.   Not that she had ever been a loud child, but she was always here, close by my side; my first-born daughter.

She left for college to start a new chapter in her life, after so many years spent training, sweating, and practicing. Finally, the goal had been achieved: college volleyball.

Instead of starting in the Fall like most Freshmen, athletes often begin in the summer for two-a-day training and summer school.  The campus has a hushed tone, and the buzz of the typical social crowd is replaced by the wave of the Texas heat.

Into week two and a few phone calls home, I realize that I didn’t get this one right.  My daughter was not experiencing the “greatest time of life” that her dad and I spoke of as we reminisced our college past.  She wasn’t living the life envisioned all those years she had practiced and dreamed. 

How did I forget the lesson learned so many years ago…  babies cry a lot!

She was three years old when we excitedly shared the news that she was going to be a big sister.  I was 12 weeks pregnant and it was the “safe” time to tell others that we were expecting our second child.  So, we couldn’t wait to tell our sweet girl, too.

And sadly, three weeks later, our baby to be, was no longer.  After we were certain that there were no sign of life, I had to undergo a minor surgery.

How do you explain this to a three year old?  Just telling her the baby didn’t exist any more wasn’t reasonable, nor true.  He (we decided it was our boy) was in heaven with Jesus and that is what we told her.  He was not strong enough to live here on this earth and God wanted him close.

But three year olds are concrete and believe in what is seen.  This was too conceptual.  It had to be someone’s fault that her “playmate” would not come home.  I guess it became mine.

It was so strange to feel her disengage from me for a day or two.  But, knowing she hurt too, made me stronger through the process.

After the tears dried and the laughter arose once more, I was given advice for my next pregnancy.  “Don’t tell your daughter that you are pregnant until she asks about your big belly.”  And, “Tell her that when the baby comes home it will cry and sleep a lot.”  And, whatever you do, don’t tell her that she is getting a playmate.

The big lesson here:  Set reasonable expectations to avoid disappointment.

The lesson then:  Babies Cry a Lot.

The lesson now:  The first part of the freshman year at college is a hard adjustment.

How on earth did I forget that?  My freshman year was rough!

But, my husband and I were looking back on the full four (to five) years of college as a whole experience and the great part of life it can be.  We beamed when we told our daughter how great these years ahead would be for her.

Uh oh!  We forgot to tell her that, “Babies Cry a Lot.”

I realized that over the years I had just grown to be so strong for both of my daughters.  I have given positive pep talks and held my chin high.  I have cried with them and prayed for them and held their hand often. 

But I have not told them how many past struggles I faced.  How did I get so strong? 

I had pain. 

I was lonely. 

I was hurt. 

I was lost. 

I struggled. 

I found life hard at times.

Sure there have been many happy and joyful chapters in my life, but I don’t think I have taken time to share the most difficult times; those times when I really had to reflect on who I was, how much I needed God and lean heavily on Him.

And when I didn’t?  What a mess.

But when I did; what a beautiful story!

It’s great to tell our children of the good times in our lives.  But, I think we also need to let them know we have struggled as well, to be vulnerable; and, like babies, cried a lot.

 

Exodus tells us of how God led the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt to the Promised Land.  God gave them the Ten Commandments through his servant Moses, but not without struggle for His people for 40 years of wandering.  He told the people not to forget the struggle and to tell their children.

Deuteronomy 20-25

 The next time your child asks you, “What do these requirements and regulations and rules that God, our God, has commanded mean?” tell your child, “We were slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt and God powerfully intervened and got us out of that country. We stood there and watched as God delivered miracle-signs, great wonders, and evil-visitations on Egypt, on Pharaoh and his household. He pulled us out of there so he could bring us here and give us the land he so solemnly promised to our ancestors. That’s why God commanded us to follow all these rules, so that we would live reverently before God, our God, as he gives us this good life, keeping us alive for a long time to come.  It will be a set-right and put-together life for us if we make sure that we do this entire commandment in the Presence of God, our God, just as he commanded us to do

Double-Decker Living

The offer came much quicker than we had expected.  Time to buy boxes and tape, ready the sharpie, and set to packing.

God had placed on my heart and mind the notion to list our house for sale.  But never did we believe that it would sell in 36 hours.  And while, yes, that is very much a blessing, it came with a hearty helping of stress and anxiety.

With less than 30 days to find and move to a rental house, the journey back in time began.  We had worked hard for years to establish good credit and build the equity in our home; we had increased our square footage with each new move, finally feeling like we had “arrived”; and, we had.

How odd it felt to begin to sell our furnishings and take load after carload to donation centers so that we could downsize to fit back into a home the size of that in which we first began.

Days before the move, our oldest daughter left for college, leaving our younger daughter alone upstairs in our large two-story home.  Even though only one person had vacated, the echo left behind was enormous.  We did want to downsize.  But this wasn’t quite how I pictured it.

Moving day came and I answered the door to three hearty, heavy lifters who began to reposition our lives.  I was still trying to box and label the last remains of our “big” life, praying that God would sustain me through this weary process.

Trip after trip, my hearty, heavy lifters marched in and out, strategically choosing each piece of the puzzle to place on their truck.

As the last load left the doorway, I stood in the cavernous space of this home we once chose, recalling the day we moved in.  What an odd circumstance, it might seem to some, to give up the dream home for a whispered voice.  I felt no regret or sorrow, only the fatigue of the physical.  I was at peace, still.

The drive to unload was brief; barely enough time for anyone to really catch their breath.  As the doors to the box truck opened, the challenge began to disassemble this well packed puzzle of furniture and play a new game: “Double Decker Stack.”

My hearty hefters were happy to hear that I was not too particular about where to place the furniture, but rather “fitting” the furniture in the house.  I stood in the middle of this 1650 sq. ft. rental pointing to one side or the other of the living area.  Boxes were clearly marked for one of the three bedrooms.  The rest was stacked in the garage.  The unload was definitely quicker.

As the empty truck pulled away, I stood in the middle of the stacks.  Welcome to Double-Decker Living.  Most of what furnished our 3000 sq ft Dream Home, now formed a maze of chaos.  Boxes and furniture stacked nearly to the ceiling.

Somewhere in here, I need to find myself.

First order of business, ready the sheets and fall in!  I thank God for my soft mattress and commit my tomorrow to Him, as I know my head can no longer keep track of the many “to-do’s” that rattle about.

But as I drift off to sleep, My sweet Lord reminds me, that I am in His perfect plan; and I will rest well.

And I ponder this verse:

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I realize that this verse can often be quoted, but wait, here’s where I found new joy.

At the end of May, I resigned my teaching job to commit time to the Lord and to write and give my time to women’s ministry.  See how the next verses read: 12-13

Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek Me with all your heart.

Wait!  Is He speaking directly to me?   I mean, it fits my life exactly.

• He has a plan for me (Jer 29:11): to sell my house and move me quickly to a new place.
• Then I will call on Him, pray to Him and He will listen (Jer 29:12): I now have time to grow in Him and know Him deeper.
• I will seek Him and find Him (Jer 29:13): As I learn more of Him, I will write and I can share Him with others 

How cool is God! 

He means for us to read the Bible and realize that it is His way of speaking to us personally!

My faith is in Him and His plans for my life.  There is no coincidence.  His plan is perfect and I will strive to follow.

My Manna

Ever left the dishes in the sink a little too long?

Or, maybe, put off the changing of the cat litter until the clumping factor has lost its “clump”?

And, darn that pile of wet, stinky laundry that just never quite made it down the stairs and into the washing machine!

My kids really get tired of me asking them to do these, and other necessary evils around the house.  Sadly for me, sometimes they know that it will drive me crazy and they wait me out.  And, often I’ll just end up just doing them myself because I cannot stand the smell or grime any longer. 

But most of the time, they just hear me say, “Delayed obedience is still… Disobedience!”

And yesterday, God said the very same thing to my heart.

Funny how being a parent can help you get a sense of how God must see us as His children.

You see I’ve had this very strong heart’s desire to follow hard after God and to pursue my writing.  I want to honor Him and bless others with the wisdom He flows into my heart and mind.

There are times that I get these “holy cow” ideas and inspirations and cannot wait to write about them.  I get them when I’m running or working out.  I get them when I’m waiting to pick up a carpool of kids, or whenever….  But then I get distracted and busy with the next event or task and forget to take the time to sit and write out the thoughts that God has placed on my heart.  And at the end of the day, when I remember, I feel regret  and simply make excuses or rationalizations about how busy I am or how I’ll get to it when life becomes a little more sane.

Until yesterday, when God said to me, “Delayed obedience is still… Disobedience!”

All those moments of inspiration that came over me and blessed my heart are like dreams I had at night.  You know how you wake up certain that you will remember the dream.  But later that day you can only line up together bits and pieces.  And the big picture and beauty of it are now gone.

Try telling that dream to someone else.  It makes no sense to you and sounds crazy to anyone with whom you share it.

It was no dream what God did for the Israelites who wandered in the wilderness for 40 years.

In Exodus 16, the Bible tells us of how the Israelites circled the desert, continuously cycling though their search for God, learning His commands, obeying Him and then altering His commands to fit their lifestyle a “little better”.

Hmmm!  That didn’t work out.  Life not going so well for them; let’s start the cycle again: search for God, learn His commands, obey Him and then…

You see, back in the wilderness, there was not much to eat.  The Israelites complained to their leader, Moses.  Even after God had led them out of slavery in Egypt and promised them a better life, they kept losing their way.  So God provided nourishment along the way.

Exodus 16:4   The Lord said to Moses, “I’m going to send you food from heaven like rain. Each day the people should go out and gather only what they need for that day. In this way I will test them to see whether or not they will follow my instructions.

13 – 15  …in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp.  When the dew was gone, the ground was covered with a thin layer of flakes like frost on the ground. When the Israelites saw it, they asked each other, “What is this?” because they didn’t know what it was.  Moses said to them, “It’s the food the Lord has given you to eat.

21 Each morning they gathered as much food as they could eat. When the sun was hot, it melted away.

31 The Israelites called the food manna. It was like coriander seeds. It was white and tasted like wafers made with honey.

Many of us have heard this story so many times that it has lost its wonder.  God provided for these people for 40 years!  It even says in Exodus that their shoes and clothes did not wear out and their feet did not swell!  (look it up)

Walking around for 40 years in the same shoes! C’mon!  Do you see some wonder!

And for the manna, World English Dictionary lists several definitions to include:

1.  Divine or spiritual food

2.  Any sudden or unexpected help, advantage, or aid to success.

So, God said to me, “Delayed obedience is still… Disobedience!”

And then He said, “I refresh your soul each day with the rain of spiritual food to aid in your success.  But you need to gather it each morning and follow My instruction.  For when the day is done, it will melt away like in a dream.  But while it is on your tongue, it will be as sweet as honey.”

For those who question me, I am not one who hears an audible, booming voice from the heavens.  But, I do hear the clear voice of God.  It is deep in my spirit.  It is deep within my soul.  The words spoken in the quote above are simply paraphrased from Exodus 16 above.  But, I KNOW they are for me.

I may not be able to go back and gather manna from the past, as it has melted away.  But, I will not regret.  For I have learned my lesson in obedience.

If I want to get out of my wilderness and show God that I am ready to pass this “test to see if I will follow” His instructions, then I will not look back.

He is my God.  He provides manna daily for me.

It will be sweet to me and to those with whom I share it.

I will seek Him and I will share Him.

I will follow hard after Him.

I will obey Him by gathering the manna daily and taking the time to write it down.

I love You, Lord!